Issue 5, 14 November 2026: Buy. Swallow. Hope.

Issue 5. In which I learn the secret to a long life isn't on my wrist.

Monday
Humans spent 200,000 years trying not to starve. Cracked it. Now we pay strangers on the internet to tell us what not to eat.

Otley went the other way. Pie and pickle launch on Saturday. Proper pork pie, kraut on top. Fermented veg for the gut, pie for the soul. That's how we do gut health up North.

Hit Velo Virtual Cycling for a big Ironman ride. Every single bike taken. A room full of people pedalling like they're being chased by a bear. Together. So that's what they mean by community. Must be an easier way to make new friends in my 40s.

Pie on Saturday. Pedals on Monday. Balance.

Tuesday
Thinking about the Blue Zones. The places where people live longer, healthier lives than most of the world.

Nobody there wearing a Garmin checking their heart rate 24/7 like it owes them money. They just have the culture and lifestyle the rest of us pay hundreds of pounds trying to buy.

Polyphenols. Loads of fruit and veg. Fish, a bit of meat. Nobody jumping in the car to drive five minutes to the shop. They walk. They cycle. Movement's just part of the day.

And yes, a glass of wine.

One glass. With dinner. Part of the experience.

Not "eating is cheating" and two bottles before the starter. That's not a Blue Zone. That's a red alert.

Note to self. Research Garmin watch sales in Blue Zone countries and compare to the UK. Fact-check myself.

Wednesday
Recorded the Health Hype Roast with James. Picking a supplement that actually does something.

Worst unregulated market going. Flooded with fakes, loads of them shipped in from China. Sold by people who see someone trying to get healthy and hear a till ring.

People want to live longer. The cowboys want their card details. Wild West, but with gummies. Everyone needs a James.

Thursday
Not against supplements. Never have been. Against cowboys making a quick buck out of people who trust them. And getting away with it because nobody's regulating them.

The good ones are out there. A month on Zapply now. Saw Carl Froch and Tom Aspinall talking about it. Yes, that Carl Froch. The man who reminds us every single day that 80,000 people turned up at Wembley to watch him fight.

Says all-day energy. Checked the label like a man who'd just recorded a podcast about it. Doses on point across nearly all the ingredients. Bought three months' worth.

Month one done. Definitely feel a lot better. More positive. Handy, because the world's going to hell in a handcart.

Christmas has landed in the shop, though. Holos Mulled Spice. One of my favourite Christmas kombuchas. All the cosy of mulled wine. None of the 4pm nap on Boxing Day.

Friday
Outlook went down. The world stopped. Offices everywhere staring at blank screens like Y2K finally turned up, 26 years late.

Got me thinking about life before mobile phones and social media. Loved those times. Not that I don't like these ones.

World was a lot smaller back then. Never spent my evenings looking over the fence. Comparison is the thief of joy. Social media's turned it into a 24-hour burglary.

In a really good place, though. Back on the music I loved back in the day. Somewhere, my old CD Walkman is very proud of me.

Then went a step too far. Rewatched Dawson's Creek.

Forgot how much it winds me up. Pacey runs off with his best mate's girl and everyone's fine with it? There's a code, Pacey. There's a code.

Also remembered I was one of the first people ever to write an Amazon review for the Dawson's Creek official soundtrack. My mates still dig it out once a year. Every year. Never gets old. For them.

Product spotlight

New on the website · alcoholfreedrinksclub.com

Alcohol-free Christmas drinks that don't taste like a punishment

I used to drink my body weight in red every Christmas. Now there's a whole Christmas section on the website. Fizz for Christmas morning, a red for dinner, spirits for after, beer and cider for Boxing Day, gift sets, and cocktails you can make at home. Order by Saturday 19 December for delivery before Christmas.

New on YouTube

Week 2 of the FDC Diary. Hazy IPA and espresso martinis, minus the booze

Week 2 is up. The latest arrivals at the Otley Taproom get the treatment: an alcohol-free hazy IPA, AF Dog on a Skateboard, and how to make an espresso martini that won't leave you texting your ex. Plus a regular who quit wine with a bit of help from kombucha, cold brew vs whisky, and some reverse osmosis science for the nerds. Under 8 minutes. That's shorter than the queue at Greggs on a Saturday.

New on the website · kombuchaclub.co.uk journal

What is water kefir? Kombucha's fizzy little sister

Water kefir sounds like a spa treatment you'd get talked into in Harrogate. It isn't. It's a cold, fizzy, fruity drink full of live cultures. Lighter and less sour than kombucha, and usually caffeine-free. This covers what the grains actually are (spoiler: not grains), what the science says, and how it stacks up against kombucha. No hot stones involved.

This week's theme: your gut keeps the receipts.

Coffee, veg and a walk. Your gut bugs noticed. Japanese scientists checked the gut bugs of 6,803 people. Veg, fermented food, coffee and exercise fed the good team. White bread, fizzy pop, fags and the sofa fed the bad lot, some of whom normally live in your mouth. Lovely. The twist: bugs from fermented food didn't move in. They fed the locals instead. More house guest than lodger. A link, not proof. If you read one, read this. (Nature Medicine, 5 Nov)
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Your gut bugs might know your age Dutch-led scientists looked inside the gut bugs of 10,781 people. Not which bugs, but tiny differences in their DNA. Age showed up more than anything else. Certain versions of one well-known good guy turned up in people about five years older. So your microbiome might be counting birthdays, even if you've stopped. Early days, and not proof. (Nature, 5 Nov)
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The one supplement the NHS actually wants you on October to March, the British sun is basically decorative. Too weak for your skin to make vitamin D, and food won't cover it. So the NHS says everyone should consider 10 micrograms a day through autumn and winter. One supplement. Officially approved. Not a gummy in sight. James and I get into it on the podcast below. (NHS advice)
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The Health Hype Roast Podcast New ep every week Everyone needs a James James Ellis is a clinical nutritionist, and his main job on the podcast is stopping me spending a small fortune on whatever YouTube told me to buy at 1am. Without him, my cupboard would be full of mushroom coffee, magnesium spray and something called "structured water". Everyone needs a James in their life. So every week, I lend you mine. This week: supplements. Expensive pee or worth it? My supplement strategy for years: buy whatever's on offer, swallow it, hope. So James marked my homework. Do you even need a supplement? Why does a shop window full of fish oil make him twitch? How can anyone sell four tubs of vitamin D for the price of one? And how do you spot a good one in an industry that's basically the Wild West, only with more gummies? Listen to this week's episode → Available on every major podcast platform. Got a supplement question? Email me at kevin@functionaldrinksclub.co.uk and James will tackle it in our supplement Q&A episode.

Same time next week: Saturday, 11am. Until then,

Kombucha Kev
Functional Drinks Club

P.S. Six weeks till Christmas. Got someone who's off the booze on your list? A bottle of Pathfinder says "I know you've got taste" without saying "I've noticed you've stopped drinking."